A Very Crappy Side Story
by GBond007
Summary: Returning to her old self, Heidi Turner is ready to seek Kyle's forgiveness and ask him out. However, things get complicated when Mr. Hankey's obnoxious behavior gets in the way and Kyle gets dragged down a very crappy path. Taking place and inspired by South Park's season 22 episode "The Problem With a Poo". I had this story at Archives Our Own under my pen name Gstory
1. Chapter 1: An Opportunity Has Arisen

Chapter 1: An Opportunity Has Arisen

It has been nearly a year since Heidi Turner has broke up with Cartman and during the time she was determined to turn her life around. She would go back to her vegan diet and exercise daily which caused her to lose all the weight she had previously gained during her relationship with Cartman. She would also redid the Special Ed Science Fair to make up getting the previous one canceled and was finally able to get back on the girls good graces. Now there's just one more person to get forgiveness from, Kyle Broflovski.

Heidi remembered Kyle being the only person was trying to help her when she was still in her abusive relationship with Cartman and briefly dated Kyle, before going back to Cartman and adopting his anti-semitic views. She wanted to apologized to Kyle for saying those mean things while she was with Cartman but never got that time. She could never have the time to talk to Kyle during school since there were multiple shootings occurring at school meaning it was unsafe to stay and converse. The Weekends weren't any better either as Heidi goes to church on Sundays while Kyle doesn't because he's Jewish and he's usually hanging out with Stan, Kenny, and Cartman on Saturdays and Heidi is trying to avoid her ex, while still wondering why Kyle would still hang out with Cartman despite his hatred for the fat boy.

However Heidi managed to find the opportunity to be close to Kyle and apologize to him. As she waiting for the school bus with Wendy, Bebe, and Theresa, Wendy can't help but notice Heidi's being unusually cheerful today.

Wendy ask Heidi, "So what's on your mind today?". Heidi replies back, "Today is the day where I got the chance to apologize to Kyle!"

Bebe then responds, "You still haven't got the chance to make up with Kyle?". Heidi says, "Well I just didn't get the time with all the school shooting occurring, plus Kyle's been hanging out with my ex on the weekends."

Theresa then say "So what makes you think today is going to be different?" Heidi answers Theresa, "Because today Mr. Hankey holding rehearsals to play for his Christmas Pageant right in the music room at our school." Theresa then says, "And you think Kyle is going to be there because?'' Heidi to says to Theresa, "Because Mr. Hankey is Kyle's best friend and he would do anything support him".

Bebe then snarks ,"I thought Stan was Kyle's best friend?" Heidi then says to Bebe, "Actually Stan is Kyle's super best friend, but Mr. Hankey is the guy who shows up during Christmas to keep Kyle company making Mr. Hankey Kyle's best friend."

Bebe then turns her attention to Wendy and says, "Speaking of Stan how are things between you guys?". Wendy replies back, "Well we're are trying to make our relationship work again, but right now we're only just talking. Now that you mentioned it Stan said he's going to the Mr. Hankey's rehearsals at the music room probably to support Kyle whose supporting Mr. Hankey, so I'll probably go the rehearsals to support Stan."

Heidi then says with the utmost cheer, "Isn't this great? we're all getting a chance to make amends with our guys and its all thanks to that Christmas loving piece of crap!".

The other three look at Heidi with confusion, especially Bebe and Theresa who are only going to Mr. Hankey's music rehearsals because they need the extra credit the rehearsals were offering since were falling behind on their other class.


	2. Chapter 2: The Music Room

As Heidi and friends arrive in the music room they began to find seats. Bebe sat at the far upper left corner and Theresa sat next to Stan at the bottom left corner while Wendy sat at the opposite direction far from Stan, which confused Heidi since Wendy said that she and Stan where trying to make their relationship work again. Heidi also saw Cartman at the upper left corner and exchanged a glare at him before going to the upper right corner far from Cartman. Heidi also made sure she saved the seat on the right for Kyle.

When Kyle arrived at the music room Heidi happily wave at Kyle and says to him, "Hey, I saved a seat for you!"

Kyle warmly smiled at Heidi, but before he could respond, Esther cuts in saying, "You did? Aw thanks you're the best friend a girl could ever have!"

As Esther unknowingly steals the seat meant for Kyle, the smile on both Heidi and Kyle's faces vanished as Kyle sits at the row in front of Heidi next to Wendy, while Heidi glares at Esther, with Esther being oblivious to her anger.

As the rest of the kids finish taking their seats Mr. Hankey soon arrives. Heidi noticed that Mr. Hankey looked a little upset than usual, but tried to hide it with his usual Christmas demeanor. Mr. Hankey responded with his usual trademark:

"Hooooowwwdy ho! Due to budget cuts and shit, you kids have all been selected to played in my Christmas Pageant this year! Now before we start our rehearsals does anyone have any questions?"

Heidi raised her hand and Mr. Hankey pointed to her. Heidi then says, "This seems a bit too small to be a Tuba."

Mr. Hankey responded back, "That because it's not a Tuba. It's a French Horn you dumb bitch. What do you have shit for brains?"

Heidi offended by Mr. Hankey's response replies, "Of course not! Its just I haven't participated in a school band before, so this is all new to me!"

Mr. Hankey then retorts back to Heidi, "So new that you know nothing about basic musical instruments?"

Before Heidi could respond to Mr. Hankey's question, Clyde Donovan, next to Heidi, raises his hands and asks Mr. Hankey, "Uh Mr. Hankey, what's this instrument I'm holding?"

Mr. Hankey responds to Clyde's question, "You don't know what a goddamn violin looks like!? Jesus Christ Am I working with a bunch of retarded homos who don't know what musical instruments are!?"

The rest of the kids begin glaring at Mr. Hankey, but before they could respond Mr. Hankey cuts them saying, "Look kids we're wasting time asking these dumb question, we need to start rehearsing before the day ends."

As the kids begin playing their musical instruments, Heidi realizes that she wasn't the only one who didn't know what she was doing. She notices all the other kids around her struggling to play their instruments.

Then Mr. Hankey taps his baton on the Dias and says, "Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called "Deck The Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls." Now, come on, kids."

Craig Tucker asks Mr. Hankey, "Why do we have to do this now?"

Cartman next to Craig immediately follows with, "Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet."

Mr. Hankey retorts to these responses saying "Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top!"

Mr. Hankey then taps his bottom once more and the kids continue to play their musical instruments.


	3. Chapter 3: Hitting The Twitter

Chapter 3: Hitting the Twitter

Today did not go as planned for Heidi. Not only did she not get a chance to talk to Kyle but had to spend the whole day in the music room playing her French Horn poorly all day and she and her friends barely survived another school shooting.

The next day passes as Heidi, Wendy, and Bebe were walking to school Jenny Simmons shows up and says, "Were you guys in the music room playing instruments yesterday?"

Wendy responds to Jenny's question, "Yeah, what about it?"

Jenny replies, "Well, you might want to look at what he said about you guys during band rehearsals".

Jenny gave her phone to Bebe and Wendy to look at Mr. Hankey's tweet. Their faces turn to disgust upon looking at the tweet with Wendy in shock saying, "Oh my god!" with Bebe exclaiming, "That piece of shit!".

Wendy then turns her attention to Heidi saying, "Heidi, you have to see what Mr. Hankey said about us!"

Heidi wasn't really comfortable reading things that are posted in Twitter. She still remembered the time where she was so horrendously trolled by Skankhunt42 on Twitter, she quit Twitter and threw her phone off the bridge. She still had nightmares about that incident and while she did get a new phone and reactivated her Twitter account, she hardly ever uses it afraid of what might be posted. However Wendy insisted that Heidi looked what Mr. Hankey said about them so Heidi mustered some courage and took the phone from Wendy and read what Mr. Hankey said. Upon looking at the tweets Heidi gasped in horror to what Mr. Hankey said about them. Her friends looked at her with worry asking if she's alright.

Heidi responds, "Uh... yeah I'm alright I just realized I forgot something back home. You go to school without me, I'll catch up with you guys later." Her friends could only look at her with concern fearing that she might quit Twitter and throw her phone off a bridge like before.

Meanwhile at Kyle's house, Kyle is getting ready to go to school. He then notices Heidi in front of his house.

Just as Kyle approaches Heidi she suddenly says, "So... uh Kyle do you want to walk to school with me?"

Heidi suddenly blushes with embarrassment, but fortunately for her Kyle accepted Heidi's offer. After period of awkward silence between the two as they walk to school together Kyle says something to Heidi.

"So... uh is there something you want to discuss"

Heidi nervously responds, "What do you mean?"

Kyle then answers with a stern look on his face, "Well it's been nearly a year we you and I interacted with the last time being that you mocked my little brother for being missing and now all of a sudden you want to walk to school with me, so what do you want?"

Heidi sighs and tells Kyle, "Well its just that Mr. Hankey just posted on Twitter saying 'The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music'. I thought you should know that since you and him are very close."

Kyle looses his stern look and tells Heidi, "Yeah I already knew that. Stan and the guys showed me the Tweets Mr. Hankey posted. I've talked to Mr. Hankey about it and he said that he was on Ambien and is not going to do it again."

Heidi then asks Kyle, "And you just believe what Mr. Hankey said?"

Kyle answers Heidi, "Yeah, and what of it?"

Heidi then remarks, "Its just that people can say what you like to hear, but they don't really mean it. They don't just change overnight."

Kyle then makes a sharp comment at Heidi, "Oh, so you're still the same female Cartman that insulted my religion, compared me to my mom, and called my little brother stupid?"

Kyle then notices Heidi looking hurt after hearing that response, causing Kyle to soften up and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Look I'm glad that you were finally able to break up with Cartman, lost weight, became a nice girl again, and I really appreciate your concern, but you don't need to worry about me, I know what doing. Mr. Hankey has been my friend for a very long time so if he says that he's not going to do it, then I believe him."

The two finally arrive at school where Heidi parts ways with Kyle saying, "Okay well its been good talking to you Kyle, I hope I get to see you soon". Though Heidi is unsure whether or not Mr. Hankey is going to follow through with what he said.


	4. Chapter 4: Mr Hankey On TV

Chapter 4: Mr. Hankey on TV

Today was a day that Heidi wished she could forget. She and all the other students attending the school assembly had to witness Strong Woman's water breaking much to her disgust and she had to spend the rest of the time in school trying to survive another school shooting. To make matter worse not only did she spend the whole morning walking Kyle to school, yet didn't mustered up the strength to apologized to him as she attended, Kyle is going to believe that Mr. Hankey will change. That brought up bad memories for Heidi from the time she was still with Cartman when he kept saying he was going to change whenever Heidi tried to break up with her, only to still be an asshole to her. All she wanted to do when she got back home is watch TV and forget this day ever happened.

As Heidi kept changing channels to see what's on her television, she stopped at the South Park News 13 when she the Voiceover say,"And now, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13."

Heidi then notices Mr. Hankey in the courtroom and Kyle sitting besides the talking poo representing him. Curious, she decided to watch the Mr. Hankey hearings.

''In Heidi's television''

The opposing lawyer, Mr. Waithouse said,"Mr. Hankey Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say 'everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag'?

Mr. Hankey replies, "Yes. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke."

Mr. Waithouse then replies, "But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas."

Mr. Hankey, "That's what I said: it was a bad attempt."

Mr. Waithouse then asks, "What part of the statement was actually-"

Mr. Hankey then cuts Mr. Waithouse with, "You wanna hear a good Christmas joke?"

Mr. Waithouse then says ,"In 2005 you said-

Mr. Hankey suddenly sniffles loudly in the microphone interrupting Mr. Waithouse.

Mr. Waithouse continues on saying, "You said that you had no recollection of a-"

Mr. Hankey sniffle again before saying, "Sorry, I got the sniffles".

Mr. Waithouse then says, "Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town?"

Mr. Hankey responds with, "All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year!"

Mr. Waithouse then asks Mr. Hankey, "What did you mean last night when you tweeted, 'The Mayor of South Park is a titless whore'?"

Mr. Hankey then angrily responds with, "Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!"

Heidi then turns off the TV not wanting to watch anymore. She realizes that the situation would only get worse. She needed to take action and get involved. She needed to be there for Kyle, just like he was there for her. She left her house, with her mind set on what she has to do.


	5. Chapter 5: Mr Hankey's Christmas Show

Chapter 5: Mr. Hankey's Christmas Show

As Heidi left her house, she notices Kyle setting up a concert. She goes near Kyle and asks him,"So what kind of event is this for"

Kyle replies to Heidi's answer "I'm setting up a Christmas concert for Mr. Hankey. He believes that by doing this people will like him again and his reputation with the townsfolk will be fixed. Why to ask are you going tell that I should not support my friend again?"

Heidi wanted to tell Kyle that continuously support Mr. Hankey would only make Kyle's situation worse but after hearing that remark said this instead,"No, it's just... that I know that you always want to help those in need and there are those that don't appreciate what you've done. I remember being one of those people, I've now come to admire the person you are willing to be there for the ones you care for without excepting anything and... I'm really sorry if I ever hurt you and if you're still angry with me that's fine."

Kyle responded to Heidi's heartfelt statement saying,"Look, I'm not angry with you or anyone now. The truth is I hate being angry all the time and acting on impulse. I mean the last time I did that I got the country that my little brother was from nuked. I'm tired of being angry and now I just want to continue helping my friends wether they may act like assholes at times. And If it makes you feel better Heidi, I forgive you"

As Heidi was touched by what Kyle said, Mr. Hankey appears and says, "Howdy Ho! Hey Kyle whose this girl you're talking to

Kyle replies to Mr. Hankey, "Oh this Heidi she's a friend of mine who was just passing by"

As Heidi became moved for what Kyle said, Mr Hankey then turn his attention to Heidi and said her,"Oh wait I remember you were that dumb bitch who couldn't tell the difference between a French horn and a Goddamn Tuba!"

Kyle, offended to what Mr. Hankey said to Heidi and tries to defend her saying, "Mr. Hankey stop doing that!"

Heidi then cuts Kyle saying, "It's okay Kyle I'm already over it, "before turning her attention to Mr. Hankey saying, "Actually, I'm here because I thought I could help you set up your Christmas show"

Mr. Hankey then tells her, "Sure I'd appreciate that, especially since with all that hate I've been receiving lately I'd need all the help I can get. You can start passing these flyers out to people telling them about my Christmas Show."

Heidi then says, "Sure I'd be happy to do that. I remember handing out flyers for my ex when he was bluffing about committing suicide"

Heidi would then handout all the flyers to everyone in the town telling them about 's Christmas concert. She even got her own mom to go to the concert. As all the people gather at the stage, including Heidi herself, appears and says, " Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime!"

Fireworks suddenly appear causing everyone to get excited while Kyle also appears playing Keyboards for Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey then goes on to sing, "Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmas time is here. Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year"

Mr. Hankey then went on to say, "That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays?" The crowd then cheers for Mr. Hankey as he continues to sing while Heidi is happy that every is seemingly going fine. Then Mr. Hankey said, "Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and-"

All of a sudden everyone, including Heidi, heard cries of babies to went to the direction of PC Principal and Strong Woman with their newly born PC babies crying while continues his speech saying," Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are" With more crying from the PC Babies.

Then one man says to Mr. Hankey,"Hey! Hey, careful! You're upsetting the PC babies!"

Mr. Hankey responds with, "The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men!" Only for the crying to continue. Mr. Hankey then says, "All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and-" As the crying continue Mr. Hankey grows angry now saying, "What?! What are they crying about now?!"

One man says to Mr. Hankey, "Sometimes PC babies don't even know what they're crying about."

Mr. Hankey then angrily responds with, "Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up!"

The crown then starts booing Mr. Hankey, with Heidi's smile now replaced with a concerned expression. Mr. Hankey then angrily tells the booing crowd, "Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?!"

Kyle then tries to restrain Mr. Hankey saying, "Mr. Hankey!" only for Mr. Hankey to retort back saying, "No you let me go, Kyle! These people are idiots!" before proceeding to beat up Kyle and wrecking the stage.

The crowd soon disperses, while a Heidi tries to break up the fight between Kyle and Mr. Hankey, only for her mother to yank Heidi's arm and drag out from the stage


	6. Chapter 6: Sweep Away All The Poop

Chapter 6: Sweep Away All The Poop

After the Mr. Hankey's failed Christmas concert, Heidi went back to try and find Kyle. She then smelt a strong oder. She tracked the smell to a park where she notices Kyle, covered in feces and sitting alone on a bench. Despite the strong smell Heidi sat next to Kyle and said to him, "Are you feeling okay?"

Kyle replied to Heidi, "You know since I'm jewish I never celebrated Christmas. So I usually end up all alone in Christmas while my friends celebrate it with their families. Then one Christmas night Mr. Hankey showed and kept me company. He didn't care that I was jewish, and we spent Christmas together. He was always there when I needed him, and now I'm trying to be there when he needs me.

Kyle then when on saying, "But I don't know how long I can support him. He keeps on saying that he can change and I end up believing his bullshit, only for him to be an asshole again and I end up getting dragged down with him."

Heidi then replied to Kyle, "I know what you mean. I know want it is like to be all alone when no one wants you around, only this guy to show up a keep you company. You start enjoying his presence and you end up falling for him. Then one day he acts like a piece of shit but you end up listening to his bullshit because you felt like you owe him, only for you to become just as shitty as him"

Heidi then leaves the bench where Kyle then asks Heidi, "Hey Heidi, do you think I'm a bad person?"

Heidi replied to Kyle's question, "It's like you said to me before, good people make bad decisions all the time."

Later in the evening Heidi notices someone throwing shit at her house. She notices it was Mr. Hankey who appeared very drunk and said to Mr. Hankey, "What are you doing?"

soon notices Heidi where he goes towards her and says, "You fucking bitch, this is all your fault! Ever since you showed up you've been convincing now Kyle to stay away from me and now Kyle has left me to fend for myself because of you!"

Heidi refuses to acknowledge Mr. Hankey's rambling to says to him, "No I didn't cause Kyle to leave you, it was your own shitty behavior that drove him away from you. I know because I was you once! I blame everyone once for all the shitty things that has happened to me, including Kyle. And yeah it was easier than acknowledge my own fault, but then I realized what I was becoming a decided to take personal responsibility to improve my life."

Mr. Hankey then backed down and now said, "Well its too late to improve my life since everyone now wants me to leave town and now I don't what to do. Can you tell me what I need to do?"

Heidi then said to Mr. Hankey, "I can't. You just have to come to terms with what you are."

The next day Heidi notices a large crowd appearing as Mr. Hankey is about to leave South Park. He soon acknowledges the crowd saying "Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.

Then Mayor McDaniels interrupts his goodbye saying to him, "No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober."

Mr. Hankey initially sounded excited saying "A Poober? They have that?" only for a Lyft car to pull up honking its horn "Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts."

Mayor McDaniels then opened the back to door for Mr. Hankey and says to him, "Goodbye, Mr. Hankey."

As the car with Mr. Hankey was leaving with Mr. Hankey looking back at the town with a sad look on his face, Stan Marsh asks his dad, "Where will he go?"

Randy then replies to Stan, "He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate."


	7. Chapter 7: A Not-So-Crappy Christmas

Chapter 7: A Not-So Crappy Christmas

Christmas has arrive and Kyle looks at the other kids, watching them open presents and enjoying time with family, while Kyle is all by himself. Then Kyle's mom Sheila arrives and says to him, "Hey bubbie this came in the mail for you."

Kyle replied, "Oh, Thanks mom" before opening the mail and reading it. It was an invitation from Heidi inviting him to her house with her address attached to it. Kyle didn't know what to think of it. The last time he saw Heidi was when she talked to him at the park three months ago. Kyle never got a chance to talk to her where a lot of things happened since then. He got stuck in Cartman's vape dealing, he couldn't recognizes her on Halloween, he and his friends got arrest for the school shootings and Manbearpig's murders, the one time that he had a chance to talk to Heidi she was on a Buddha Box, and most recently he was preparing for the bike parade with his friends. Still Kyle nonetheless went to Heidi's house where he was greeted by Heidi and her family.

Heidi said to Kyle, "Kyle so glad you came!"

A surprised Kyle asked Heidi, "So what is all this?"

Heidi answered Kyle's question, "I remember when you told me that you were usually alone on Christmas until showed up. Well now that is gone I thought that I can celebrate Christmas with you. That way you don't have alone on Christmas."

Touched by Heidi's gesture Kyle thanked Heidi, and spend Christmas together. The two then found themselves standing in front of a mistletoe, where they then proceed to kiss each other. Afterwards the two began to blush before warmly smiling at each other where Heidi said, "Marry Christmas Kyle". Kyle then said to Heidi, "Marry Christmas Heidi".

They then continued to enjoy spending Christmas together, embracing one another's company.


End file.
